What does maturity look like in marriage? It’s not at all what I thought it would be.
A lifetime ago, we stood radiant before God, surrounded by our family and friends. I see the deep claret of our lilies and the cascading vines as long as my wedding gown. There’s the tresured gift of each face that came forward to receive communion and stand with us. The bells ring as we flounced down the aisle—Mr. and Mrs. Craig Sakata.
Fifteen years later, I chuckle at how the weather on our wedding day vividly reflects the reality of marriage.
Our day began with a torrential downpour. Thankfully, the morning gave way to sunshine that warms the body and lifts the chin with eyes closed—perfect contentment. Hours later, we drove to the mountains in celebration of our new life together. Only to be pelted with rain, snow, fog, and yes, even hail.
In twenty-four hours, we were touched by it all.
Maturity in Marriage is Like That
There are moments of exhilaration like the birth or adoption of children and the pride of reaching milestones. There is laughter late at night and family visits nurturing the seeds of a future legacy.
There is confusion when the fog rolls in and you ask yourself, ‘what just happened?’ or ‘where did this come from?’ A husband is caught unawares by some long-buried pain his wife carries unbeknownst even to her. Or a wife is side-swiped by a husband’s memory that still bears the fear of insignificance.
And then comes the rain—the list of disappointments, disillusionments, and discontentment fed by 30-minute sitcoms, ‘daytime drama’ on TV at night, and the latest blockbuster movies. The reality of marriage catches us off guard. And though we may have some idea that marriage isn’t some rerun of The Love Boat, we secretly want it to be. So the rain keeps falling.
Add seasons of grief and loss, or betrayal and anguish hurling down like quarter-sized hail that pounds the life out of what was before and leaves us scarred.
It’s all there. Marriage isn’t what you thought it would be, is it?
What if Maturity in Marriage Makes Us Holy More than Happy?
Hidden among the mounds of wrapping paper, we discovered a treasure with a strange title: Sacred Marriage—What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy? (Thomas, 2000).
Gary Thomas writes: “What if God didn’t design marriage to be easier? What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place?”
“This book looks for that purpose and meaning—how we can discover in the challenges of marriage the opportunities to learn more about God, grow in our understanding of him, and learn to love him more?”
Gary’s words resonate deeply after all these years of marriage.
Maturity in Marriage is More About God
Marriage is more about God than it is about either of us.
Marriage is about what God wants to do in us and through us more than about what I might want to get out of my marriage. It’s the grand work of humility, servanthood, perseverance, and staying power that grows a person’s relationship with God. It stretches, refashions, and strengthens in at least three ways.
Maturity in Moving Beyond What I Thought
-
Maturity in marriage recognizes one’s own broken and weak responses and requires room for another’s. Who among us is without sin? We are clay and earthen vessels, right?
And why worry about the speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend,’ let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First, get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye (Luke 6: 41-42, NLT).
-
Maturity in marriage extends grace because God has extended his grace to you.
This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, that you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault (Colossians 1: 21-22, NLT).
-
Maturity in marriage is rubber-meets-the-road holiness and grace that puts God’s priorities and God’s view of the person you’ve committed to above your own. Who do you see before you?
This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15: 12-13, NLT)
Like it or not, people watch as any marriage plays out. Marriage is daily surrounded by a cloud of witnesses—some even pint-sized.
If you are married, what do people see? How do people view marriage through yours? What do they learn about God in the daily ‘I will’ following your first ‘I do’?
RESOURCES for Growing Your Marriage in Maturity
More recently, Craig and I have discovered some resources you might find helpful as you seek to grace and grow your marriage each day.
Bill and Pam Farrel at www.love-wise.com
Mark and Jill Savage at www.jillsavage.org
Ephron, N. (Director). (2009). Julie and Julia [DVD]. United States: Columbia Pictures. (Based on two true stories, this film reflects the substance of marriage rather than the lead-up to happily-ever-after where most movies end.)
Until we meet again, may the generous grace of God be in you, to you, and through you.
Grace for your space (and your marriage),
Jennifer